London Underground Takeover: Are Squirrels Running the Tube?
A satirical deep dive into the rumour that London’s squirrels have seized control of the Underground, causing mysterious delays and bureaucratic nuttiness.
Bean Sprout Team
7/28/20251 min read
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London’s Underground Takeover: Are Squirrels Secretly Running the Tube?
You thought delays, signal failures and mysterious announcements were just part and parcel of life on the London Underground. Think again. A shocking new theory – whispered on escalators and hushed between earphones – suggests that it’s not engineers, but a shadowy cabal of squirrels who have seized control of our beloved transport system.
### The fluffy masterminds
It began, as most conspiracy theories do, with a commuter who had nothing better to do. After a long wait on a Northern Line platform, he noticed a squirrel perched suspiciously near the control booth. Was it merely after crumbs, or was it taking notes on the driver’s techniques? Soon, sightings of rodents in hi‑vis vests and tiny hats spread across social media.
Critics scoffed. “Squirrels don’t understand signalling systems,” said a Transport for London spokesperson, nibbling nervously on a nut. Yet platform staff were seen dropping whole bags of KP nuts near the driver’s cab and muttering about “overtime for the furry ones.” Coincidence? We think not.
### Signal failures or sabotage?
Every Londoner knows the heartbreak of seeing “Severe delays on the Central line.” Could it be because a grey‑coated insurgent chewed through the wiring? Sources (a man in the pub) report that squirrels have been taking night classes in electrical engineering. Meanwhile, the Mayor’s office insists these animals are simply a “natural part of the ecosystem,” ignoring clear evidence of tiny paw prints on control panels.
### Government complicity
Why hasn’t Westminster acted? Some suggest the Government is too busy counting their own nuts to notice. Others believe this is a deliberate attempt to distract the public – what better way to keep people frustrated than to cede control of the Tube to chaos‑loving rodents? One backbencher has called for an inquiry, but was laughed out of the chamber after tripping over a tail.
### What can we do?
Londoners, do not despair. If you see a squirrel with a pocket watch, report it. Refuse to be silenced by those who say, “It’s just a rodent.” Invest in a good pair of walking shoes and perhaps learn to enjoy the bus. Above all, remember: when your next train is inexplicably terminated at Kennington, there may be a squirrel at the controls, chittering merrily as it redirects you to Morden.
Of course, this is all completely ridiculous – or is it? Either way, it’s something to ponder the next time you’re stuck in a tunnel, staring at a dark wall and wondering who, or what, is driving your journey.Write your text here...